Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I recently put on some weight. Well, actually, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't very much – five or six pounds in three months including Christmas - but still, it’s there.

I’ve put on what I call ‘chub’; fatty areas around my tummy, bust and upper arms. I’m now a 'curvy' size 10 rather than an athletic 8-10 and I weigh just over 60kg (just under 9 and a half stone) which is a perfectly healthy and, some would say, enviable size and weight for a 5’4” tall, 45 year old woman.

This happened because, due to complications with a basic medical procedure and then depression, I had to take some time off my job as a fitness instructor and personal trainer. Quite frankly, I just didn’t feel up to training. I went from hitting it hard in the gym and being super fit and pretty ‘ripped’ (to use an awful gym expression) to doing almost nothing for three months. This felt horrible, my energy levels were rubbish and I felt weak and useless. I’m happy to say I’m back on the wagon now, training regularly again, regaining my strength and feeling more energised.

Upsettingly though I went through a phase of finding it hard to look at myself naked in the mirror because of this weight/fat gain. I actively avoided facing the mirror when I got ready in the morning or when getting undressed at night. If I caught sight of myself, I was homing in on my ‘flabby bits’ and felt disgusting. If one of my clients ever said this to me about themselves I would be horrified.

Why on earth was I feeling this way?

Firstly…effort level/perceived laziness…

When one goes from spending a lot of time working out (particularly if it’s your job) to doing very little one can end up feeling lazy and even guilty. Your rational brain tells you that it’s fine to take a break, even advisable in some cases, but your irrational brain says “What’s your excuse?? You’re lazy! You’re pathetic! Get a grip!". When you look in the mirror you don’t see a body that is taking a break to heal or rest, you start to see a body that has failed, a body that isn’t working as hard as it should be - as hard as it has done previously.

What can happen is that the extra bit of ‘chub’ or alteration in your shape can start to represent failure when in fact what you are dealing with is simply a small temporary change brought on by illness or part of a different phase of your life. It is important to remember that, with the support of a gym buddy or PT and with your head back in the game, you CAN get your strength and fitness back. (I will speak more in a future blog about the whole 'getting your mojo back' thing.)

Secondly…the impact of social media...

In all of my time working as a fitness professional I have avoided posting what I call ‘body shot’ photos of myself on Facebook or Instagram. I tend to post videos or photos of myself performing exercises to show my followers progress or effort (and sometimes, I’ll admit, when I’ve achieved something I’m really chuffed with!). I totally understand why people do like to post those kind of photos though; it shows changes in their body when they’re on a big weight loss or fitness journey, it’s a way of keeping track and can be hugely inspirational to others who want to lose weight/gain muscle/get more defined.

However social media and the seemingly constant barrage of pictures of what can feel like totally unattainable bodies can, in my opinion, be quite damaging to one’s body image. Combine this with the fact that your body may have changed somewhat due to ill health or because you have not been able to get into the gym or out for your runs or to your fitness class because, well, life just gets in the way sometimes, and you are potentially dealing with a situation where you start to be highly critical and massively magnifying perceived flaws.

So if, like I did, you’re going through a phase where you’re not altogether happy with your body, maybe avoid spending too much time on Instagram or YouTube but, more importantly, go easy on yourself and try and see the good things about your body when you look at it in the mirror rather than what you consider to be faults.

Yes, I’m a little chubbier round the tummy and hips than I was at the end of October and my arms have lost a lot of the definition I had three months ago but I have a cracking pair of thighs and my shoulders and back are still in very good shape…so go me! More importantly those cracking thighs took me on a 16 mile hike the other day; my body works well and for that I am so grateful.

Our bodies are amazing and beautiful machines, not only when they’re at their peak but also (if not more so) when they are fighting back.

Get back on the wagon, do your best; you’ll get there.